Dafodil days. Filled with laughter and ladybugs. Days spent ankle deep in the creeks at ECP. Days where we couldnt even remember if we had a thought. Only if we'd had fun.
We were minimalistic. Simplistic, on those summer days. Too easily entertained and we moaned and sighed when we had to gather our dafodil bracelets and dust the severed blades of grass from our shorts and summer camp tshirts. But we vowed to meet up again in "our spot".
And so thats how the summer continued. You sprawled beneath the willows and me tree climbing. Gazing down at you. Grinning as if I had just won an Olympic gold metal. I might as well have. And I'd hop down and let the blades of grass lick at my naked feet and we'd lay there.
Eyes closed, hearts open, and we spoke without saying a word. A silent understanding. And there were no uncomfortable silences. Just moments when we knew to just be. In each other's company. In the sunshine.
We were enjoying life. Every moment of it. We vowed to make sure we sucked everyday dry of happiness and we did. Without one regret. Even a scraped knee turned into a wonderous, hilarious experience. Because we were together. You and I. Crafting dafodil bracelets in the summer sun.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Running
Running. The muffled thud of my worn out sneakers on the asphalt. The most beautiful sound I've ever heard. Making sweet melodies with my breathing and treading and the passing cars. Acting as a blinder from the world.
That's all it is for me. An escape. Because when I take off down the sidewalk, thinking of nowhere, I feel as though I could run forever. I would. But eventually all the turns on my route lead me right back to the starting line and I'm sucked back into a tragic world where you can't even appreciate the stars because of the street lights.
But I could care less. Because I'm doing what I do best. Lungs burning legs tingling and it's the sweet sting of victory that I've come to love and yearn for. That I've out run them all. The entire city. Everyone who loves me and I'm getting away. Finally.
But I find myself trapped once more. In a life of Abercrombie and Fitch and where what's on the inside doesn't really count but it's part of the required curriculum so the teachers remind you in a condescending tone that really says that you'll never be anything. Just so kids like me feel like we matter.
But we don't. Not really. Maybe to our mommies and daddies but we quickly find that everyone else could give two fucks. But out there I'm somebody. Even if only to me. And that's why everyday I go to sleep and can't wait to take off the next day. Running.
That's all it is for me. An escape. Because when I take off down the sidewalk, thinking of nowhere, I feel as though I could run forever. I would. But eventually all the turns on my route lead me right back to the starting line and I'm sucked back into a tragic world where you can't even appreciate the stars because of the street lights.
But I could care less. Because I'm doing what I do best. Lungs burning legs tingling and it's the sweet sting of victory that I've come to love and yearn for. That I've out run them all. The entire city. Everyone who loves me and I'm getting away. Finally.
But I find myself trapped once more. In a life of Abercrombie and Fitch and where what's on the inside doesn't really count but it's part of the required curriculum so the teachers remind you in a condescending tone that really says that you'll never be anything. Just so kids like me feel like we matter.
But we don't. Not really. Maybe to our mommies and daddies but we quickly find that everyone else could give two fucks. But out there I'm somebody. Even if only to me. And that's why everyday I go to sleep and can't wait to take off the next day. Running.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Perfect Fit
No use. I've completely lost myself. and the person I was so confident in, so sure of, is now in a lifeless puddle at my feet.
Similar to a butterfly coming out of it's cocoon but I've been put in a time warp and have emerged as a larva. A helpless, tiny thing that can barely convince herself to get out of bed in the morning.
That's the girl I've become. Disgusting. And just glancing at myself brings the bitter taste of bile to my throat. Because this girl is a stranger. I am not her.
I am not weak. Pathetic. Worthless. Am I? I convinced myself that I wasn't at least. But you can convince yourself of anything if you're willing to commit.
And I was. Am. Because I'm still talking about how this is not me. About how this is all wrong and I'm scratching and clawing desperately at my puddle of skin trying to paste it back on.
But it's wrinkly. Stretched. Worn out. And it just doesn't fit right anymore. So I'm stuck naked. Forcing me to deal with this scared, grotesque, flaw covered girl before me. The unwanted freak that everyone likes but no one loves.
Yes. That's who I am. It may not be great but at least I know who I've been all along. So I try on this new outfit, and it seems to fit me perfectly.
Similar to a butterfly coming out of it's cocoon but I've been put in a time warp and have emerged as a larva. A helpless, tiny thing that can barely convince herself to get out of bed in the morning.
That's the girl I've become. Disgusting. And just glancing at myself brings the bitter taste of bile to my throat. Because this girl is a stranger. I am not her.
I am not weak. Pathetic. Worthless. Am I? I convinced myself that I wasn't at least. But you can convince yourself of anything if you're willing to commit.
And I was. Am. Because I'm still talking about how this is not me. About how this is all wrong and I'm scratching and clawing desperately at my puddle of skin trying to paste it back on.
But it's wrinkly. Stretched. Worn out. And it just doesn't fit right anymore. So I'm stuck naked. Forcing me to deal with this scared, grotesque, flaw covered girl before me. The unwanted freak that everyone likes but no one loves.
Yes. That's who I am. It may not be great but at least I know who I've been all along. So I try on this new outfit, and it seems to fit me perfectly.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Whirlpools
Campfire dancing. Bodies moving in undistinguishable patterns that seem to blend with the flames and color the night every type of beautiful. Your hair, the most beautiful shade of mud brown I’ve ever seen, creating whirlpools that seem to swallow me whole. We bare the tribal marks of the late greats before us and crouch to the ground like she wolfs, howling and singing and hi-yi-yahing, and I’m staring at you with big doe eyes because you are possibly the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. You smile at me and turn your head back to the starry night sky, drenched with shooting stars, and I use all of them to wish for you.
I get my hopes up when you reach over to hold my hand, but that’s normal with us because we are friends and it means nothing. I tell you I love you and you say it back, almost as reflex, but you don’t realise that I’m pouring my soul out, and if you’d just glance over you’d see that my tears are illuminated by our fire. But you don’t look at me. You just lift your head, and gaze to somewhere beyond us, and tell me that you just want to get out of here. Need to get out of here, and it takes everything to keep me from shouting that I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. And I want to.
But I don’t. I just stand. Nod. Wait. For you to say anything else, because you are my earth and I am your moon. Keeping me grounded, and from getting lost in myself, and humanity and you make sure that I know I’m important to you because I give you light in your darker moments, and I don’t tell you that my real purpose in life is to be yours entirely. So when you say that you want the dancing to commence I eagerly get to my feet to join you in the twirling and flailing, and once again get swallowed whole in the whirlpools.
I get my hopes up when you reach over to hold my hand, but that’s normal with us because we are friends and it means nothing. I tell you I love you and you say it back, almost as reflex, but you don’t realise that I’m pouring my soul out, and if you’d just glance over you’d see that my tears are illuminated by our fire. But you don’t look at me. You just lift your head, and gaze to somewhere beyond us, and tell me that you just want to get out of here. Need to get out of here, and it takes everything to keep me from shouting that I’ll take you anywhere you want to go. And I want to.
But I don’t. I just stand. Nod. Wait. For you to say anything else, because you are my earth and I am your moon. Keeping me grounded, and from getting lost in myself, and humanity and you make sure that I know I’m important to you because I give you light in your darker moments, and I don’t tell you that my real purpose in life is to be yours entirely. So when you say that you want the dancing to commence I eagerly get to my feet to join you in the twirling and flailing, and once again get swallowed whole in the whirlpools.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Matrimony
What you were now helplessly caught in. It’s funny how a little piece of paper can tie you to someone so wholly. A tiny document that named you MRS. Collier. Which I honestly could have dealt with. Except for the fact that you were all wrong for each other.
You continued to swear that he was the one though. So instead of shooting you down completely we all said “maybe”. The kind of maybes parents tell their children to keep from crushing their hopes completely. That’s all you had to hang on to after all. And while you were clutching onto it so desperately, you forgot about us.
The people that loved you so entirely. Every disgusting, ungrateful inch of you. We loved it. But instead of stopping by to take us out (like you promised), or even to just sit around, you were with him. That’s what I get for getting my hopes up though, right? They say the higher you climb the harder you fall, and I just happened to be sky high with elation that my big sis was coming to pick me up. So I broke down completely.
Tears. Snot. Saliva. All coming at once. Could you blame me though? I felt betrayed. Hurt. Lied to. Tried to cover it up with half smiles and fake laughs. And then it all came.
It seemed like a lifetime of pain had been saving itself for this moment. Poor mother and sister subjected to looking at my ugly (and quite entertaining) crying face. Not just crying though. Sobbing and heaving. And because tears are as contagious as the flu they caught it too.
I wish you would have been there. To see how devastated I was. To see that this time you really out did yourself. Because this wasn't just a missed concert or a forgotten birthday card. This was an event. Something permanent. That couldn't just be brushed off. Something that actually mattered to me because it mattered to you.
Sure I forgave you. But we all know that forgiving isn't the same thing as forgetting and kisses and hugs and sorries don't fix all sorrows. We can never be the same. Because you hurt my feelings. And unluckily for you, there's no band-aid in the world for that.
You continued to swear that he was the one though. So instead of shooting you down completely we all said “maybe”. The kind of maybes parents tell their children to keep from crushing their hopes completely. That’s all you had to hang on to after all. And while you were clutching onto it so desperately, you forgot about us.
The people that loved you so entirely. Every disgusting, ungrateful inch of you. We loved it. But instead of stopping by to take us out (like you promised), or even to just sit around, you were with him. That’s what I get for getting my hopes up though, right? They say the higher you climb the harder you fall, and I just happened to be sky high with elation that my big sis was coming to pick me up. So I broke down completely.
Tears. Snot. Saliva. All coming at once. Could you blame me though? I felt betrayed. Hurt. Lied to. Tried to cover it up with half smiles and fake laughs. And then it all came.
It seemed like a lifetime of pain had been saving itself for this moment. Poor mother and sister subjected to looking at my ugly (and quite entertaining) crying face. Not just crying though. Sobbing and heaving. And because tears are as contagious as the flu they caught it too.
I wish you would have been there. To see how devastated I was. To see that this time you really out did yourself. Because this wasn't just a missed concert or a forgotten birthday card. This was an event. Something permanent. That couldn't just be brushed off. Something that actually mattered to me because it mattered to you.
Sure I forgave you. But we all know that forgiving isn't the same thing as forgetting and kisses and hugs and sorries don't fix all sorrows. We can never be the same. Because you hurt my feelings. And unluckily for you, there's no band-aid in the world for that.
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